LOVING YOUR WIFE

3 Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, ² when they see your respectful and pure conduct. ³ Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— ⁴ but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. ⁵ For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, ⁶ as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.

⁷ Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. ¹

I am a single but this is in the bible so I am going to do this.

3:1 In the same manner that citizens are to relate to their government leaders (2:13–17) and employees to their employers (2:18–25), so wives are to relate to their husbands. be submissive: Wives are commanded to place themselves willingly under the guidance and control of their husbands, living in such a way that their husbands will be challenged to live in obedience to God’s truth. do not obey the word: Peter here is referring to non-Christian husbands (v. 20; 2:7, 8; 4:17). without a word: A godly wife does not preach to her husband with words but with the Christlike beauty of her daily life. may be won: The goal of her actions is to see the unbelieving husband become a Christian (see 1 Cor. 9:19–22).²

3:3–4 Do not let your adorning be external. Peter’s instructions here were common in his day (see Seneca, Epistles, To Helvia 16.3–4; Dio Chrysostom, Orations 7.117; Juvenal, Satire 6.457–463; 490–511; Plutarch, Advice to Bride and Groom, Moralia 141E; Epictetus, Handbook 40). Such “external … adorning” can be witnessed in portraits and sculptures from the first century, where the elaborate braiding of women’s hair and the wearing of ostentatious jewelry was common in upper-class Roman society. In contrast to this, the Christian woman should focus on inner (hidden) beauty of the heart. What matters to God is the godly character of the wife, characterized by a gentle and quiet spirit. It is clear that Peter is not literally prohibiting all braiding of hair or all wearing of gold jewelry, because if this were the case the same prohibition would apply also to wearing clothing! Instead, Peter warns against both an inordinate preoccupation with personal appearance and material excess in such matters.

3:5 Hope in God is expressed in a wife honoring her husband by submitting to him, as the venerable women in the OT did.

3:6 Sarah obeyed Abraham. Peter describes Sarah’s submission in terms of obedience. Such obedience does not mean the relationship between husbands and wives is like that of parents and children, but it does show that a wife is to follow her husband’s direction and leadership. In the culture of her day, Sarah expressed her submission by respectfully referring to Abraham as lord (see Gen. 18:12). do not fear. Peter calls on wives to model themselves after such godly women, not fearing that harm will come to them, but trusting God as Sarah did.³

The Example of Christ (1 Peter 3:1a, 7a)

The phrases “in the same manner” and “in like manner” refer us back to Peter’s discussion of the example of Jesus Christ (1 Peter 2:21–25). Just as Jesus was submissive and obedient to God’s will, so a Christian husband and wife should follow His example.

Much of our learning in life comes by way of imitation. Grandparents have a delightful time watching their grandchildren “pick up” new skills and words as they grow up. If we imitate the best models, we will become better people and better achievers; but if we imitate the wrong models, it will cripple our lives and possibly ruin our characters. The “role models” that we follow influence us in every area of life.

While standing in the checkout line in a supermarket, I overheard two women discussing the latest Hollywood scandal that was featured on the front page of a newspaper displayed on the counter. As I listened (and I could not help but hear them!), I thought: “How foolish to worry about the sinful lives of matinee idols. Why clutter up your mind with such trash? Why not get acquainted with decent people and learn from their lives?” A few days later, I overheard a conversation about the marital problems on a certain television “soap serial,” and the same thoughts came to me.

When Christian couples try to imitate the world and get their standards from Hollywood instead of from heaven, there will be trouble in the home. But if both partners will imitate Jesus Christ in His submission and obedience, and His desire to serve others, then there will be triumph and joy in the home. A psychiatrist friend of mine states that the best thing a Christian husband can do is pattern himself after Jesus Christ. In Christ we see a beautiful blending of strength and tenderness, and that is what it takes to be a successful husband.

Peter also pointed to Sarah as a model for Christian wives to follow. To be sure, Sarah was not perfect; but she proved to be a good helpmeet to Abraham, and she is one of the few women named in Hebrews 11. I once made a pastoral visit to a woman who said she had marital problems, and I noticed a number of “movie fan club magazines” in the magazine rack. After listening to the woman’s problems, I concluded that she needed to follow some Bible examples and models and get her mind off of the worldly examples.

We cannot follow Christ’s example unless we first know Him as our Saviour, and then submit to Him as our Lord. We must spend time with Him each day, meditating on the Word and praying; and a Christian husband and wife must pray together and seek to encourage each other in the faith.

Submission (1 Peter 3:1–6)

Twice in this paragraph Peter reminded Christian wives that they were to be submissive to their husbands (1 Peter 3:1, 5). The word translated “subjection” is a military term that means “to place under rank.” God has a place for everything; He has ordained various levels of authority (see 1 Peter 2:13–14). He has ordained that the husband be the head of the home (Eph. 5:21ff) and that, as he submits to Christ, his wife should submit to him. Headship is not dictatorship, but the loving exercise of divine authority under the lordship of Jesus Christ.

Peter gave three reasons why a Christian wife should submit to her husband, even if the husband (as in this case) is not saved.

Submission is an obligation (v. 1a). God has commanded it because, in His wisdom, He knows that this is the best arrangement for a happy, fulfilling marriage. Subjection does not mean that the wife is inferior to the husband. In fact, in 1 Peter 3:7, Peter made it clear that the husband and wife are “heirs together.” The man and woman are made by the same Creator out of the same basic material, and both are made in God’s image. God gave dominion to both Adam and Eve (Gen. 1:28), and in Jesus Christ Christian mates are one (Gal. 3:28).

Submission has to do with order and authority, not evaluation. For example, the slaves in the average Roman household were superior in many ways to their masters, but they still had to be under authority. The buck private in the army may be a better person than the five-star general, but he is still a buck private. Even Christ Himself became a servant and submitted to God’s will. There is nothing degrading about submitting to authority or accepting God’s order. If anything, it is the first step toward fulfillment. And Ephesians 5:21 makes it clear that both husband and wife must first be submitted to Jesus Christ.

Husbands and wives must be partners, not competitors. After a wedding ceremony, I often privately say to the bride and groom, “Now, remember, from now on it’s no longer mine or yours, but ours.” This explains why Christians must always marry other Christians, for a believer cannot enter into any kind of deep “oneness” with an unbeliever (2 Cor. 6:14–18).

Submission is an opportunity (vv. 1b–2). An opportunity for what? To win an unsaved husband to Christ. God not only commands submission, but He uses it as a powerful spiritual influence in a home. This does not mean that a Christian wife “gives in” to her unsaved husband in order to subtly manipulate him and get him to do what she desires. This kind of selfish psychological persuasion ought never to be found in a Christian’s heart or home.

An unsaved husband will not be converted by preaching or nagging in the home. The phrase “without the word” does not mean “without the Word of God,” because salvation comes through the Word (John 5:24). It means “without talk, without a lot of speaking.” Christian wives who preach at their husbands only drive them farther from the Lord. I know one zealous wife who used to keep religious radio programs on all evening, usually very loud, so that her unsaved husband would “hear the truth.” She only made it easier for him to leave home and spend his evenings with his friends.

It is the character and conduct of the wife that will win the lost husband—not arguments, but such attitudes as submission, understanding, love, kindness, patience. These qualities are not manufactured; they are the fruit of the Spirit that come when we are submitted to Christ and to one another. A Christian wife with “purity and reverence” will reveal in her life “the praises” of God (1 Peter 2:9) and influence her husband to trust Christ.

One of the greatest examples of a godly wife and mother in church history is Monica, the mother of the famous St. Augustine. God used Monica’s witness and prayers to win both her son and her husband to Christ, though her husband was not converted until shortly before his death. Augustine wrote in his Confessions, “She served him as her lord; and did her diligence to win him unto Thee … preaching Thee unto him by her conversation [behavior]; by which Thou ornamentest her, making her reverently amiable unto her husband.”

In a Christian home, we must minister to each other. A Christian husband must minister to his wife and help to “beautify her” in the Lord (Eph. 5:25–30). A Christian wife must encourage her husband and help him grow strong in the Lord. Parents and children must share burdens and blessings and seek to maintain an atmosphere of spiritual excitement and growth in the home. If there are unsaved people in the home, they will be won to Christ more by what they see in our lives and relationships than by what they hear in our witness.

Submission is an ornament (vv. 3–6). The word translated “adorning” is kosmos in the Greek, and gives us our English words “cosmos” (the ordered universe) and “cosmetic.” It is the opposite of chaos. Peter warned the Christian wife not to major on external decorations but on internal character. Roman women were captivated by the latest fashions of the day, and competed with each other in dress and hairdos. It was not unusual for the women to have elaborate coiffures, studded with gold and silver combs and even jewels. They wore elaborate and expensive garments, all for the purpose of impressing each other.

A Christian wife with an unsaved husband might think that she must imitate the world if she is going to win her mate; but just the opposite is true. Glamour is artificial and external; true beauty is real and internal. Glamour is something a person can put on and take off, but true beauty is always present. Glamour is corruptible; it decays and fades. True beauty from the heart grows more wonderful as the years pass. A Christian woman who cultivates the beauty of the inner person will not have to depend on cheap externals. God is concerned about values, not prices.

Of course, this does not mean that a wife should neglect herself and not try to be up-to-date in her apparel. It simply means that she is not majoring on being a “fashion plate” just to “keep up with the crowd.” Any husband is proud of a wife who is attractive, but that beauty must come from the heart, not the store. We are not of this world, but we must not look as though we came from out of this world!

Peter did not forbid the wearing of jewelry any more than the wearing of apparel. The word “wearing” in 1 Peter 3:3 means “the putting around,” and refers to a gaudy display of jewelry. It is possible to wear jewelry and still honor God, and we must not judge one another in this matter.

Peter closed this section by pointing to Sarah as an example of a godly, submissive wife. Read Genesis 18 for the background. Christian wives today would probably embarrass their husbands if they called them “lord,” but their attitudes ought to be such that they could call them “lord” and people would believe it. The believing wife who submits to Christ and to her husband, and who cultivates a “meek and quiet spirit” will never have to be afraid. (The “fear” in this verse means “terror,” while in 1 Peter 3:2 it means “reverence.”) God will watch over her even when her unsaved mate creates problems and difficulties for her.⁴

1 The Holy Bible: English Standard Version. (2001). (1 Pe 3:1–7). Wheaton: Standard Bible Society.

2 Radmacher, E. D., Allen, R. B., & House, H. W. (1997). The Nelson Study Bible: New King James Version (1 Pe 3:1). Nashville: T. Nelson Publishers.

3 Crossway Bibles. (2008). The ESV Study Bible (p. 2409). Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles.

4 Wiersbe, W. W. (1996). The Bible exposition commentary (Vol. 2, pp. 407–410). Wheaton, IL: Victor Books.